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Monday, December 11th, 2006
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It's been a while, I know. I've been busy.
I'm writing this kind of as an internal dialogue. Something just now set me thinking, and I want to document where it's all going just in case this is just a creation of my exhaustion-addled mind.
Christmas is a holiday, like many others, commercialized to the point of being utterly alien to its original purpose. Just think about it. Christ-mas. Christ-day. The day made a holiday in celebration of the birth of Christ. The day where believers are encouraged to celebrate the birth of Christ. From there it morphed, somewhere along the way gift-giving was added in, probably in reference to the gifts the 3 wise men gave to Mary upon meeting the baby Jesus.
What is it now?
A big post on one of my gaming forums titled (aptly) "What do you want for xmas?" kind of set me thinking. That's what it is now! It's all about what _I_ want, what I want other people to give me. What does this all have to do with the birth of one of the 3 primary religion's founding fathers?
Why do people go absolutely crazy to get the newest fad gift to give to their spoiled little kids? Why are the vast majority of the crazy shoppers agnostics who haven't the slightest care for the root of the "holiday" they are spending thousands upon thousands of dollars to "celebrate"? I get it, little Jimmy sees all the christmas ads on tv and demands all the excitement for himself. When I was young I wanted to celebrate Hannukah as well, just because they get 7 days of gifts!
Because that's what matters to children. Getting this, getting that. And this is perfectly acceptable for little children who haven't the life experience to understand that there's more to life then "gimme gimme". I think it's absolutely disgraceful of parents who through a combination of loving for their kids (good) and ignorance of reality (bad) decide that when Jimmy says "gimme gimme", they go "gotta get it for him". But maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I'm tired of seeing the new cars given to little Suzy and the PSPs Charlie gets, while I have to suffice with whatever the budget can spare.
No.
I'm not tired of it. I'm thankful for it. It's opened my eyes. Life isn't about getting everything you want all the time. You don't learn anything that way! I'm writing this on a computer which (bragging aside) is vastly better then almost every computer I know of. This is not because I said "gimme gimme" and Dad said "here ya go". This is because I said "gimme gimme", Dad rightfully said "No", and I went out and earned the money to buy it for myself. The best gift one can recieve is the knowledge that one's existence is firmly rooted in reality. I don't get everything I want. At one level, at the shallow level, this makes me angry. That's ok, because at the other level, I understand that not only can Daddy's jobless wallet not afford it, but the very not getting is a gift in and of itself. If I got everything I wanted, I wouldn't have ever learned the will to go out and earn what I want for myself. If I can rely on someone else to do everything for me, then I never have to do _anything_.
I've decided I don't want anything for christmas.
I don't want my family to spend money they can't spare on a gift which if I really wanted I'd go spend the money and buy it for myself. Because the gifts worth recieving are those which money can't buy. Love, happiness, contentedness, knowledge. Those are the true gifts. Some I have, some I don't. One shirt, one game, one this one that, none will grant me what I don't have. This time of the year is oh-so-stressful. Living in this area like we do, we're surrounded by people who get every whim fulfilled by Daddy's checkbook. But you'll notice one common trait in all of them: they're not happy. Material orgasms over this one-uppance or that fad item sure, but none of them are truly happy. Because they haven't realized that happiness, that satisfaction, that the feeling of satedness, cannot be bought.
I have my gift. I have my love, I have my work, I still live in the same house I did last year, everyone around me is still alive. That's all I ask, because that's all that matters to me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to scrooge out of the holidays, I've been wracking my brain to come up with gifts for everyone, but.. it does grant me a certain detachedness in this time of utter chaos. I don't have to worry whether I'm going to get everything I want, because I have it already. Well, that's not true. A letter of acceptance from WSU, and it'll be absolutely golden.. but I digress. I want this season to be over. I want people to return from this feeding frenzy of indulgence to the lax carelessness they display towards each other the rest of the year.
At least then I know it's real.
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Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
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Yeah, finally, I had another stressout. Thankfully the game triggered it before my life triggered it, but it was a bad one. No memory of an hour of my life. Since then, it's been all good.
Maybe I'm deceiving myself.
I feel a strange detachment, like, everything is feelin' great but something there tells me it's really not. It's hard to explain, and when I think about it, everything IS going alright... but I have this odd feeling. Maybe it's foreboding, maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's a headache. I don't know. I just have this feeling that something's coming.
It worries me.
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Thursday, October 5th, 2006
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http://www.texnews.com/texas97/boycott061997.html
Read it and weep. This is a pristine example of why idiots shouldn't be allowed to breed. It's absolutely shocking! To boycott a MASSIVE corporation merely because they refuse to discriminate against a certain group of people... Someone needs to slap the hell out of every single person at that convention. The Southern Baptists like to say they "love the sinner, hate the sin". Flat out bullshit. They're just a huge group of bigoted idiots wailing away because others aren't as smallminded as them and they feel confused because the world has advanced in the 200 years since they last understood it. These are the same group of sorry losers who took almost 100 years to apologize to Africans for slavery!
It's good that someone finally did something so out there stupid to give me reason to vent, it's bad that these jokers are the largest denomination of Protestants in the country. God, the shame of ever being in the slightest connected to them. If I were a Southern Baptist right now I'd not want to be seen in public for the shame.
I mean, this isn't even a pristine vent because I'm having trouble even comprehending the scale of their idiocy. It's staggering! I guess if the boycott were to work, what would they do next? Probably move on and find another company to harass. Fools are never static, much to the detriment of all. Of course, what the hell do they hope to achieve? "Oh yes, we at Disney have decided that gays, lesbians and other people not seen as acceptable by our Southern friends are really not human, and we have thrown all of them out on to the street by their ears". Give me a break. I believe the Baptists are the best example of enforced, group idiocy I've ever come across.
They claim Jesus tells them to hate gays. Words cannot express how angry this makes me. Jesus's core message was one of love and TOLERANCE. Jesus was KILLED because the Pharisees (read, Southern Baptists) couldn't TOLERATE a different message, couldn't TOLERATE someone not like them. To claim that really, this prophetic man preached a litany of hate and intolerance is the worst slander dealt to a religion that I can imagine. It's the same as people depicting the Prophet Muhammed with a bomb in his turban. But I don't see anyone kidnapping and killing Southern Baptists now do I? These hacks have no clue what the hell they're talking about.
Maybe there's another reason behind this little escapade of theirs. Maybe it's not sheer ignorance and lack of proper education. Maybe it's not barbarous, subhuman hatred. Maybe, the real reason is they needed another scandal to shore up their confidence. Maybe everything had been "acceptable" for a little too long, and people were getting nervous. "No! We haven't found anything to hate in a month! WHAT'S GOING WRONG WITH THE WORLD!". Let's create a problem. Let's stir some intolerance and hatred, mix up the cauldron and piss everyone off, eh? Way to go, Southern Baptists. You shame an entire religion.
EDIT -
Oh, and I found this little snippet at the end, thought I'd take a crack at that. "The Rev. David Galvan, pastor of Primera Iglesia Bautista Nueva Vida in Garland, was elected second vice president." Honestly, I'm shocked they have a church with a name in a foreign language, based on the fact they hate everyone not like them. It's a ruse to make people think they really are decent people.
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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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School started. Boom. 2 History classes in a row, somebody kill me before I go insane. Then I have English on the offday. This quarter is going to blow donkey balls, but I have to suck it up or I'm royally fucked.
On top of that, sometime this week I start work at Target in the backroom. Looks like I'm gonna be working closing shifts all the goddamn time and a lot on weekends, which blows... but I need the money. I went in and applied, and they fucking hired me on the spot. Get a load of that! lol
THings with Britt are going *okay* now.. she seems to think her dad's little bitchfit at me was actually jerking her chain and that he's pretty much forgotten about it. This is good. On the other hand, I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to (with the exception of some fun late-night chillout sessions), and that pattern will likely increase in magnitude as the school/work sucker punch kicks in.
In concordance with that little rise in activity, I've mostly disengaged from WoW. Cheer me on. I was raiding on average 4-5 nights a week over the summer, with Target being closing shift I'll prolly only be raiding at most once a week, and beyond that WoW isn't any fun.
Recently my musical tastes have been drifting like I have, I think they're changing yet again. Definitely don't like techstep drum'n'bass as much as I used to.. I'm loving progressive DnB and just as of this night have gone on a spree of downloading mid 90's alternative (bush anyone?)...
I think I'm changing again. I like these phases, where I stop acting like I used to/liking what I used to and go off on some random tilt. Like, no more all-black pseudo-goth outfits for me. No more baggy pants, sweatshirt and studio moniters around the neck deal. Currently I have this linen short-sleeve shirt deal, a banana republic tee and black cargos on with my sandals. I throw off entirely a different first image like this; it's really a good study on humanity to see how differently people react when I'm wearing more mainstream clothes. Also, callous as I am, I get more attention from the ladies. =D Don't mind that last statement. lol
It's all been fun.
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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
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Among all my other faults.
Well, the crisis seems to have passed. Thanks, Tom. I hadn't thought of it from that angle, and in the end, I guess it doesn't matter.
I'm listening to the vocal trance channel, and the song has this repeating lyric that seems to stick in my mind.. "...I wouldn't be standing alone tonight." I'm thinkin' about that, and realizing that really, if it was over I'd be missing what I have now.
If it weren't for _X_, I wouldn't be standing alone tonight.
Is it odd to remember longingly something that is occuring right now? I don't know, but I'm glad for what I have.
If it weren't for my overreacting and holding something against her, I wouldn't be standing alone tonight.
That's what it could be, it very well could. I don't want that. It's not my place to hold anything against anyone, most especially not her.
If it weren't for me being a fool, I wouldn't be standing alone tonight.
Thank God I am no fool.
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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
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It was sunny two days ago, now it's raining. In tune, I'm becoming morose as this seeming crisis unfolds in front of me.
There's only three possibilities to this that I've identified.
-The best possible would be if the guy on myspace turned out to not be the guy from her past. I dunno, it could be, but this guy fits the profile perfectly.
-The next one (and imo the most likely) is that what happened between them actually wasn't what she said it was. This makes sense because of what appears to be a lively discourse between them (reinforced by the comment she made), the total illogic of that happening were it not consensual, and the way she turns down any of my efforts to get her to cut the ties with this "bad" guy. If this is the case, my next question is why she did it. I'm fine with the fact if she did lie, I have come clean about my own falsehood with her and so it would be quite crap for me to hold hers against her... I'd just want to know why. I don't want to break up with her, I like feeling loved for once, but the tenor of the vibes I'm getting says she's not totally happy, and the sudden reappearance of this guy only seems to support that. Also, she's been saying strange stuff recently, so... damn. I enjoyed it so much, but maybe she's finished with it. Whatever. If she's not happy, it needs to end, because... I'd rather see her happy.
-The third (and way out there unlikely) would be that she's just defying all logic and being nice to the guy who took advantage of her. Not likely, but it's a possible explanation, and so I can't discount it.
I don't know what to do! I want to bring it up and clear it up, but I have no idea on how to do that without looking like I'm mad at her (which I'm not) or seeming possessive, if say it was some random guy with the same name and attitude...
Any thoughts?
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Monday, August 21st, 2006
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...especially one letter at a time. I'm typing this on my PDA .... because I can.
I'm missing Brit quite a bit; haven't even talked to her in like 3 weeks. It's strange, maybe that's what love's all about? I just enjoy being with her, enjoy knowing she cares about me.
Typing like this is quite tedious, so I'll keep it to that.
Adios!
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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Probably because nothing interesting ever happens in my life.
Stress is a bitch. Chillout music = -stress. Being around family for more then 2min = xstress. Wanting to see Britt and not being able to = +stress. Driving away in the middle of the night to go absolutely nowhere = -stress. Getting back? +stress.
I almost went to a rave on Friday and ended up not going, which meant my parents got pissed for absolutely no reason. Spent all of last weekend with Britt, haven't done nada since. Can't work often, there's nothing to do, no money. Dad's becoming more and more hard to be around every day he has no job; with none in sight.... going to be a fun month. I can't wait for school to start up so I can get away for a while. I can't wait for winter so I can escape this hell.
I can't wait for anything to get me out of here.
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Well, family got the worst news possible yesterday. Dad is going to return to being unemployed at the end of the month. So much for feeling legitimate. So much for having that which everyone else in this goddamn town takes for granted and considers a life necessity.
We'll probably have to sell the new car (before we even get a motherfucking license plate for it), we'll possibly have to move, and certainly all those little joys of life like eating out and going to movies and going shopping - gone. We _were_ considering actually taking our first vacation in 7 years this summer, not any more. Family stress level is going to go from "high" back to "apeshit crazy" again, which means my ecksima (already making appearances) is going to come back with a vengeance, probably with it my asthma and my temper. We spent 6 months trying to recover from 5 years of no income, and God just slapped us back into the hole, except it's worse now, because we *have* to recarpet the upper floor (already tore it up in preperation) and we have to pay for this new car with income that is now being taken away from us.
Why does all this have to happen! What the fuck did I do to deserve this! I was actually feeling like I somewhat belonged in this town; wasn't driving around in a pile of dogshit, was actually wearing clothes newer then 2 years old... and fate takes it away.
If/when we move.... I don't know what's going to happen. I was on the verge of being somebody, I spent so long accumulating people who knew me for what I really was... I don't think I'll ever do it again. Spend all my energy for years working on this, then to have it snatched out of my reach by a cruel twist of fate. Why bother.
Life's a bitch and then you die.
PS. Oh, and I got shingles too. What a motherfucking week I'm having.
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Just a little thingy to show off my new avatar. I wonder how many of you will get this. I'm rather proud of it myself =)
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Well, the last day was strenuous, and now Britt is going to start calling me again -_- She thinks I'm leaving for Pullman sometime this summer... and any we hang out is more chance she'll discover that I concealed my true problems from her. What the fuck. I visited a Navy recruiting center today, and the guy ran me through a test where I scored almost triple the national average, and he said were I to enlist I'd be put onto the Nuclear Feild track. Very interesting. Happens that that is the elite tech group of the Navy, the hardest mental tasks in the Service. I'm seriously tempted to do it. I'd gtfo of Washington state, back to places where the world isn't apeshit crazy like it is out here, I'd have definitive tasks, and I'd be able to dodge my past. I've got two roads, I can stay and do Running Start as a SS to get the last 3 credits I haven't made up from 9th grade, or I could drop out, take the GED test like tomorrow and pass that, but due to all the medications I've been put on I'm not eligible to enlist until december or so; around when I'd graduate doing Running Start. I'd have to give up my games, but that's a negligible price to pay for actually having a life ahead of me; I'm going nowhere fast as it is.
It's that or I could do running start until graduate, work my GPA up and then go to WSU or (if there IS a God) UW, and try to recover my life that way. Thing is, NF Navy guys START halfway up the pay scale, which after housing food medical and insurance is around 2k a month of cash to do whatever with.. and thats getting paid to get trained in the nuclear stuff. The best part is, I know jack-shitall about anything to do with nuclear physics, and the last time I was involved in something I didn't know I taught myself to code from scratch in a month. Then, when my tour of duty ends, I could re-enlist, or maybe go out and do the techy stuff in the real world, get my home-job-chill life I dream about, and just _be_. OR, I could get out of the navy, use their programs to pay my way thru UW, get my Comp Sci or Comp Engineering degree, and go from there.
Best thing of all, I wouldn't need to maintain this facade of lies for people who think I'm not in as dire straits as I am.
God, how I long to be a person again.
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Oh, and we bought our first new car in a decade two days ago. '06 Honda Civic. Manual. Jesus fun to drive. Too bad I don't get it, and my baby has to park outside. I'm somewhat concerned someone will break in and steal my system; but after it getting passed over in the great drama-party prowlfest last year, not TOO concerned.
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Well, one week + 3 days. Nobody in person at WHS knows I'm not graduating except anyone who bothers to read this, and it will be hard to keep the illusion of normalcy up after I'm not at the ceremony. I think I'll just blame it on Cascadia.
My dad suggested something, made me think. He said it might be possible to switch to Inglemoor and complete a senior year there. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. New school, nobody knows me, I can say I'm a senior and get away with it. Just won't tell anyone about my age or past history; guess I'll have to come up with some explanation for moving. My life is becoming more of a lie then it always was, and now I'm not even the only cause.
At the same time, everything's so bloody boring. All I do now is go to school, play WoW, and waste time. I could have a job if I wanted it, but my CCC classes make it very difficult. Beyond that though, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm boring myself, and I don't see a way to change.
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I've become a convert.. it's amazing. http://www.di.fm ... check it out. Especially Tom. Streams thru (for me) Windows Media Player, 10 channels each devoted to a different type of techno (My favourites are Drun'n'Bass and Happy Hardcore (Hardcore channel)), 10 other arbitrary channels (pointless).
Prom night came and went, and I didn't notice. So what, I say. Doesn't hold any appeal to me single. I'd get to go and stand around feeling awkward and alone like I always do, watching other people enjoy the company of others. Not my idea of a good time in any sense. Do I have a heart? I don't really know. My mind rules me like others' hearts rule them. This might be another aspect of my syndrome that I haven't really explored; I don't feel emotions like others do. Oh sure, I have my emotions, and they are very volcanic if I let them free from the reins I have on them... but there aren't many. I'm either angry, sad, or blank. Can't say as I'm ever feeling "happy", whatever that means. I don't want to be anything special when I grow up, I don't want to save the world. I just want to wake up, go to work, come home, and be. Is that so much to ask?
Is it?
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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Well first of all, am truly sorry Nick.. I woke up at 2pm feeling sick to my stomach and really only recovered at 5 =S Tis no excuse, but it is what occured.
That wasn't today tho. Today was pretty cool at HS, and the first class of CCC was cool, but then I had an orthodontist app't, and on the way over my car was running warmly. As in, redline warmly. Whatever, my guages have lied to me before. The good news from that session? I don't have to get braces now in preperation for jaw surgery this summer.. and the jaw surgery isn't occuring then. The bad news? It's gonna have to happen eventually, and I might need a night guard (protective thingy for your teeth) so I don't clench my teeth hard, because I have such a severe underbite that clenching could cause irreperable damage. Oh joy.
Then, I go out to the car, and it has some issues starting. Get it to start, drive home. Halfway home, the until-then-moderate temp guage starts visibly moving up. By the time I get to the top of my hill, I can smell it. Then, I see the smoke. I drop the car into neutral and shut off the engine, and momentum barely gets me to the driveway. Shit. Pop the hood and I can hear the coolant boiling from 5ft away, and there's smoke/steam EVERYWHERE. After it cools down (5/10 mins) I realize leaving my car with 1k$ of sound equipment and all the windows rolled down in my driveway is a very bad idea. Turning on the car is also a no-go. So, I get to push my car to the garage. Right as I get to the lip of the garage, my mom yells at me to stop, then proceeds to tell me we need the mower out. So, I push that hulking peice of crap out, and then realize that my wonderful mom made me lose all my momentum for getting over the lip (which is around 1/4", not much unless you're pushing a 2000+ pound car) Eventually, I get the damn car in, go off to class. Return, and it turns out we didn't need the lawn mower after all.
Kill.
If you want to hear the episode about how dad and I drove my car (and the van) the 10m to our mechanic, seek me out. It's long and arduous. Also, it's 2am and I'm bloody tired.
I'm trying to get up the balls to do one thing, which if I was to do it would have to occur this week.. am nervous. Also am thinking about making a video of me annihilating foolz in WoW. But the first one is more important.
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Happy.
I just need to do the AP Comp Sci 42-freaking-page test. And if we ever wondered how the school could run out of paper... I have a stack of handouts from that class that's literally 2" tall.
I made another nifty icon... at least I think it's nifty. I got exactly what I wanted with the effects on the words..
and in other news, I'm really getting good at WoW player vs player.. This below was me (Kaityhr) owning the other side earlier tonight.
The only guy to kill me, "Onari", outleveled me by 3 in a bracket where the max difference is 8, and struck when I was at half health. The fiend! XD
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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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This week has both ground by and flown.. many things have happened, but the end of it is already looming.
Not going to be an in-depth update as I'm hella tired, but.. I made an icon!
and, mimicing Kathryn's style because I'm a cheap bastard and can't think of any other way,
Lyrics from "Right Where It Belongs", by Nine Inch Nails
I feel like I'm under siege though.. if I turn on my cell for any period of time whatsoever it goes crazy with calls from my ex. I'm leaning more and more towards blocking her number, not because I hate her, but because SHE NEVER STOPS CALLING ME!! I broke up with her to try to gain some respite, and it didn't work at all. Fucking god. This is getting to be such a royal headache, because I'm missing important calls because I keep it off so that I don't bother my professors with it going off in class. In one science lab (thats an hour and a half), she called me three fucking times. I nearly threw my cell into the wall because we were doing an experiment which required utmost concentration, and my goddamn phone kept going off.
So I'm living under siege...
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| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | Bloodhound Gang - No Hard Feelings. |
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Oh, how grand. My path has been decided for me. I have to go to community college for a semester or two, because I didn't get into the lab science course I needed for the college path.
I should be sad, but somehow, I'm not. A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders, I don't have to make that choice.
Maybe I can transfer into the UW, and get all my wishes. Really interesting possibilities.
Oh, and World of Warcrack is fun. Here's a little joy for you:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v169/Nyuki/WoWScrnShot_033006_220733.jpg
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I cant find the prompt for an essay I need to write.. kill me now. =( And it was gonna be easy too, but if I cant find the prompt I can't really respond to it..
Well my g/f and I are now seperated.. luckily I didn't really fuck it up badly, so I think nothing bad will come of it... but you never know =S. I don't really know what to think, it just wasn't gonna work. She demanded so much attention that if I were to fit her needs I'd need to drop out of Running Start and drop all my other activities. Like, I'd go to a lan party, because I'm a supernerd, you know.. and I'd tell her I'd be out of touch until the next day, and during the course of the evening she'd call me 5 times. No shit, my february phone bill was $600. I just don't have that kind of time.. and more worryingly to me, I didn't really WANT to spend that kind of time with her..
I keep needing add'l crap from the HS to get ready to apply; I dont think I'll get it in time. Looks like I'm going to have to put up with a quarter or two more of Cascadia and transfer over. God only knows how many of the worst fuckups of WHS will be going to CCC. But, in reality, I have nobody to blame for all of this but myself. It's my fault I fucked up school for so many years; it's my fault my transcript hadn't been properly updated since last year. I cant blame a diagnosis that even fully documented is nearly impossibly vague. At the same time however I cant let myself fall back into depression. What good would that do? I just need to take my licks and try to figure out a way to save my life.
This year has sucked so far.
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Monday night (well, teusday morning), I awoke at 2am throwing up... and it was just the start. I went to the doctor at 10am teusday, who said that I had a nasty variant of the stomach flu, which usually ran course in 12-24 hours. I stopped dry heaving 36 hours after it started, which I blame on my slight build. Between Teusday and last night (my first real night's sleep this week), I got maybe 6 hours of sleep...
Worst part is, this was the week of my final in Chinese which was vastly important to my grade, and I haven't been able to get in contact with my chinese prof... Thankfully, my history prof was very understanding and gave me until the first day of spring quarter (a week from monday) to make up the work... but I think I failed chinese as a direct result of my illness. It was a tough class to begin with and I wasn't doing too well... and missing the final exam is a knife in the heart of my grade. And now I have to make up all the work from the HS, including a test in AP Comp Sci about a section for which I have been absent about half of.
Oh, and my g/f was gracious enough to inform me that she had a close friend of hers over to hang out and he up and randomly kissed her. If she hadn't informed me I would be certain she had actively participated.. but either way she's really freaking out over it, I'm trying to calm her down, she's called me 8 time in the last 2 days and about 12 times while I had my cell phone off earlier this week.. shit's a whirlwind. I'm now thinking it might be prudent of me to find a way to amiably back out of the relationship.. because I don't have the time to give her the attention she needs, and I rather dont want another 600$ phone bill. that fucking hurt.
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I hate this crap. On the one hand, both Wazzu and Western want me to apply, on the other, I have this sinking feeling I won't get into college. After spending time at Cascadia for all this time, I can assure you all it's not a choice. It's just an extension of high school, it's where all the flunkies and worthless kids from the HS end up. Thats why, no matter how well I fit the profile, I'll never go to a community college.
I HAVE to get into college. I couldn't bear anything else. Yet, I don't think I will. Do you know there's a state law establishing a minimum GPA to go to Washington colleges? Yeah, I didn't either.. but there is one, and it looms like a spectre over me. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm going to graduate. Fuck, I'd kill 25 people to be able to go back and redo my freshmen and sophomore years of high school. I'd like to redo my entire life, as a matter of fact. Nothing has really been worth it. I'd like to redo it and teach myself the discipline to overcome my dis and actually get respectable grades. I'd like to redo it and know to stifle my emotions so people didn't think they could get a funny reaction by picking on me. Or maybe, so that I could have the phsyical strength to beat the living fuck out of them for treating me like a human shitbag. God knows how many of them deserve to have their fragile egos smashed into dust not only verbally but physically as well. I am far guilty of the sin of wrath... but never let it be said there are not people in my past who deserve the anger I hold.
The huge problem is if I don't get into college, I'll be stuck with the same people who made my life hell for so long... That's a recipe for homicide if there ever was one. I have too much pride, all the one penny of pride I have, to tolerate any more of their false thoughts of superiority. I will never flip burgers. I'd rather die then live the life they have destined for them. Sickeningly enough, that last option is looking more and more likely by the day. I don't want to die. I don't want to see that "game over, insert 25c to replay" message. But in my misplaced ego, I have become too arrogant to accept that I'm not capable of having a successful life. If I don't get into college, I'm done. I couldn't be that guy who pours the concrete in everyone else's sidewalks. I'd never mow someone's lawn for a living. I'd rather die then be forced to accept that.
I can't redo my life. All I can do is sit here in the burning wreckage, and type away at this keyboard to be read by people who really shouldn't have to know this..
"Regret is a dull and rusty blade
that covers me in sins that never fade
These wounds, like a catalogue of loss
serve to remind me of all the pain I've caused"
-"Regret", by Assemblage 23
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nyuki_1's journal
deep.
gloomy.
wrathful.
confused.
blah.